Po Bronson’s latest book, NutureShock, raised questions about the value of praise for children. We need to praise children for effort, he says, not for talent. In other words, “You’re very smart” encourages children to rely on their gifts. When faced with a task requiring effort, they retreat: “If it doesn’t come easily, it’s impossible.”

Bronson says the rules are different for adults. Workers, he says, respond to praise.

Really? I rather doubt this myself. Maybe it’s because I came of professional age during the Women’s Movement. Back then employers widely believed that women didn’t need money. We wanted praise, like a little pat on the head. “You’re doing a great job” was code for, “Yes, you’re better than many of your colleagues but we aren’t going to reward you.”

Today I get tons of messages from ezine readers and class participants who say, “Great course” or “I love your ezine.” I love their messages…but I wince when someone writes, “Thanks for doing what you do.”  I wonder if they realize I’m “doing what I do” for marketing, not love.

My experience is that the higher you rise in an organization, and the more you get respected professionally, the less you receive praise. Instead you start to get meaningful rewards. Praise can be a way of communicating, “We don’t take you seriously, so here’s a nice pat on the head.”

I also believe that praise has to be reviewed in the context of the organization’s culture. In some organizations, praise is suspect. The US military is  a good example. A female Army officer I met (in a nail salon, of all places) said, “I never hear anything good. In fact, even the best officers get yelled at. It’s just the culture.”

On sports teams and dance companies, the best performers get the most criticism from their coaches. Everybody knows this. In his book The Same River Twice, author John Walters tells us that superstar Diana Taurasi received more criticism from legendary coach Geno Auriemma than any other player. Her teammates admired her because she never got upset; at the end of practice she’d wish him a pleasant evening. In many corporate and professional cultures, the ability to “take it on the chin” gets similar admiration. And those who take criticism graciously often get rewarded more than their colleagues who get a lot of happy talk and pats on the back.

What do you think?

Traditional career change says, “Begin with your passion. Identify your strengths.”

I agree.

The next step, you hear, is, ‘Find a career where you can use your strengths.”

I disagree.

Usually you can find many ways to use your strength. You’re a good organizer? No need to start your own organizing firm. Chances are you will find a way to use these talents in most careers.

You’re an outgoing person and everyone tells you their problems? No need to be a shrink. You might be a great manager or salesperson. Jeff Herring, the Article Guy, is a former therapist. His talents serve him well during teleseminars.

Usually what kills people is the culture. Dress up or casual? Come and go as you please or tug on a tight leash? Early morning meetings or late nights for crunching deadlines?

Sure, if you each third grade it helps if you like kids. If you work in a finance office, it helps to like numbers. But I’ve seen people make vast leaps into careers that seemed totally unsuitable…and discover that once they’re tossed in the water, they really like learning to swim.

I bet many readers disagree. Click on the comment link below and say your piece.

“At a recent potluck dinner,” Gloria said,”my friend Brian brought a six-pack of his special cider. We had more beverages than we needed. At the end of the evening, Brian went into the refrigerator and grabbed his untouched cider. He took it home.

“Our hostess, Nancy, was furious. She wrote Brian a strong email, claiming he had insulted her.”

My sympathies are with Brian. To me, a potluck means you bring a contribution to the party, not a gift for the hostess. And I avoid those events whenever possible.

So…what’s the relevance for careers?

Every time I changed jobs, even in the same career field, even in universities with similar structures, I bumped up against new cultures.

What do you ask the admin staff to do? Where do you get coffee (and when)? And if you miss a meeting or turn down a lunch offer, are you branding yourself as a maverick?

Inevitably I made mistakes. And I watched other newcomers do the same.

The reasons were innocent. If you’ve asked a staff assistant to make copies or calls for the last 5 years, you’ll automatically do the same at your new job. You probably won’t even stop to wonder, “Should I do this?” unless you’ve been made aware that customs might vary in that particular area.

But old-timers (who can’t imagine any other way either) tend to assume the worst. When I became an old-timer (or at least a medium-timer), colleagues would ask rhetorically, “Who does he think he is?”

The correct answeris, “He thinks he’s new, confused and lost.” Or, “He doesn’t think anything. It never crossed his mind to do anything different.”

I suspect Brian’s friends always take home the leftovers — their own and maybe everyone else’s. It never crossed his mind to leave his costly cider in someone else’s refrigerator.

That’s my own favorite part of a potluck. The folks who know how to cook never want leftovers. More for me.