When you change and they don’t like it

Here is a guest post by Christina Merkley, a good resource for anyone in transition. I’ve recommended several people to Christina for coaching and/or programs. Every single person I recommended was totally satisfied. I’ve also consulted with Christina on business decisions and have been very imperssed.
You changed. They hate you.

You have a goal or a whole set of them. You figure out your Vision. You create and implement a plan. You deal with your own ‘Trouble at the Border’ issues … all those little (and sometimes big) internal and external gremlins along your path. And your New World and New Self begins to manifest right before your eyes.

Sounds great right?! It is!!! Congratulations! However some new manifesters are very surprised to learn that not everyone welcomes or supports their SHIFTs … sometimes the people who are used to you being a certain way can’t, won’t or are simply incapable of supporting the new you.

The Reality:

Change can be challenging. For you, it required strong focus, discipline, getting-in-the-vortex and taking or attracting aligned action.Step by step you made your SHIFT and now you are reaping the results. Unfortunately it can be a sad reality that sometimes when you successfully make a big SHIFT, some people around you can have a hard time with it and you.

When you change, it can trigger some of the people around you. Suddenly (or gradually) they don’t so much like being around you anymore. Perhaps you are now into things they aren’t, or you start to think, talk or act in a different way. Sometimes it’s nothing personal (really!) it’s just they feel uncomfortable around you now. Whatever attracted you to each other in the first place has changed. You are no longer a vibrational match. In fact, you are kind of repelling!

I Went Through This Stage Too:

This sort of thing happened to me on my SHIFT-IT journey too. I came back to Canada 7 years ago (my how time flies!) and hunkered down to manifest my Next Self. I wanted to use my well-honed visual and process skills in a new way — with individuals, in a Law of Attraction based context, and using the Internet to connect with people of like interest from across the world. While I loved my graphic recording and graphic facilitation career, a decade of constant travel was enough for me … and I had other things that I wanted to express.

So I set about actualizing my dream by creating my SHIFT-IT Coaching practice (including my custom process & suite of visual tools) and changing my life in a myriad of ways (where I lived, the kind of work I did, who I hung out with, what I read, the kinds of thoughts I thought, the feelings I had on a regular basis, where I traveled, etc).

It didn’t happen right away … but slowly and surely there was a perceptible change in some of the people around me – actually that is how I was able to gauge that change was actually happening to me (it can be hard to notice on yourself). The energy from some of my friends, family and old colleagues took on a strange formality and politeness. And some snide comments started to make their way back to me through the grapevine.

It’s Ok, It Is Hard to Go Through:

At first I was really hurt by these reactions. I didn’t see or understand just how much I was changing and why people were reacting the way they were. I figured I was still the same person – so why were they treating me differently. I had worked hard. I knew I deserved what was coming to me. But I didn’t understand why some people were turning on me.

However, I came to know that I actually wasn’t the same person. I had changed. I had grown and developed and changed in some pretty significant ways. Frankly, it took me a while to really appreciate and own that and to have compassion for it. To accept that it was ok for me to be me (and them to be them) even if it meant that our relationship changed or fell away.

It’s All Normal:

Participating in several masterminds with other emerging entrepreneurs and being privy to the rapid rise of a few of my mentors and my own clients– I can tell you that this phenomenon is not an isolated experience. In fact, psychologically (depending on your temperament) this can be one of the more challenging issues that you may need to face as you make your SHIFT, or even allow yourself to entertain the thought of making one in the first place. In fact, this issue can act as major resistance for a lot of people in making their SHIFT – they are concerned about how the people around them will react and what their life will be like.

If your SHIFT is starting to manifest and you notice people acting strange or in hurtful ways … know that it is a normal stage that many of us Big SHIFTers go through. And … I’m not going to sugar coat it … it can and does hurt, sometimes A LOT. My mastermind buddies and I have all had ‘our crying in the bathroom’ experiences when people have been mean, nasty and critical at conferences, in emails, etc. In fact, that is why being in a mastermind with your peers (or those ahead of you) is so valuable — you can share about stuff like this! And, I can reassure you that it softens over time. It does get easier to handle as you learn how to deal with and integrate it.

Your New Tribe Forms:

Part of what helps is that you begin to attract and mingle with a new set of people. Some of your old circle (hopefully most) will stick by you and joyously celebrate your SHIFT (and remain a valued part of your life). However, those who don’t like or approve of the new you will fall away, either gradually or abruptly. New people do show up to fill those holes left behind … at least eventually. I say eventually because sometimes there is a time lag as your physical world recalibrates around your new vibration and attracts like-vibe people to you. But they do come!

Crab in the Bucket Syndrome:

About a year ago I was so pleased to find a term I could attach to this condition, courtesy of two of my esteemed colleagues and clients — Tereasa Golka and Denise Findlay of Chameleon Change Strategies.

Facilitators in First Nations change projects — these two talented women often work in aboriginal communities where the legacy of widespread cultural trauma floods generations. In these circumstances it is sadly common for one person trying to make a change in their life to be pulled back by others in their community — the proverbial ‘crab in the bucket’.

Certainly a powerful metaphor to say the least! And one that can be applied to many different situations – including the emerging entrepreneur scenario I’ve painted in this article.

FYI, Tereasa and Denise will be my guests on the April 24th edition of my f.r.e.e. Soothing Saturday Series. If you are resonating with the topic of today’s article … then be sure to catch this live call (or the recorded mp3 that will be distributed afterwards to all Soothing Saturday members).

Focus on What You DO Want:

Finally, in closing, let me remind you that the most powerful thing you can ever do (from a Law of Attraction perspective) is to put your focus on WHAT YOU DO WANT and off of what you don’t. Use the contrast of the unpleasantness of your experience with some people to help you define what you do prefer instead … then focus on that! The more you think about what you do want (and feel those warm feelings coursing through your system) the more your vibration emits a different frequency in the now … which in turn speeds up your manifestation process and attracts it to you more quickly.

A guest post from:

Christina Merkley, “The SHIFT-IT Coach” and creator of the SHIFT-IT System®, is a Visioning and Strategic Planning Expert specializing in Visual Thinking and Law of Attraction techniques. Based in charming Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, she works deeply with individuals, partners and conscious businesses to define and manifest what they truly want. And, trains other helping professionals in her innovative ways of working.  For more information visit: www.shift-it-coach.com

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Intellligence Tests Don’t Tell The Whole Story

If you’ve been to my website, you probably know what I think of career aptitude tests. Well, I’m also skeptical of intelligence tests.

Now an author named Peter Stanovich confirms what I have always suspected. His book is aptly called What Intelligence Tests Miss.

When we think of intelligence, we think of just the criteria measured by IQ tests or by other tests that aresurrogates for IQ, such as GREs and LSATs. This view of mental skill is limited, he argues, with an amusing but apt illustration of former President George Bush. (Even if you like Bush, you won’t be offended. Stanovich doesn’t rant or attack. He notes that even Bush supporters have trouble defending their candidate sometimes.

Intelligence will only take you so far. When it comes to thinking, rationality trumps intelligence every time.

I’d also vote for qualities like persistence and as well as spatial and kinesthetic intelligence. I’m going nuts trying to remember the exercises my trainer and physical therapist taught me. If I’d taken more dance classes and played some basketball as a child, I’d be racing through them and wouldn’t even need notes.

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WSJ Reports: Laid-Off Exec Living on Less in the City

Don’t miss today’s WSJ story:
Downwardly Mobile: Living on Less in the City

This story really hit me hard. A 58-year-old woman was laid off several months ago. She can’t get a new job so she’s scrambling to live on her unemployment benefits. I admire her spirit. I also like her tips for economizing.

What the WSJ doesn’t tell us: If you are over 50, you face tough odds of being hired. I won’t be negative and say it’s impossible. But I think you might consider self-employment as a realistic alternative.

Unfortunately, today’s unemployment compensation laws insist that you must keep looking for a job if you want to get benefits. These laws were designed for a time when unemployment was temporary and seasonal. They were not designed for a time when your job disappeared (along with your industry, in some cases).

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Perceptions of health vs Actual Health

Not strictly about mid-life career change, but addresses some concerns of mid-life career changers with aging parents or concerns about their own aging process: A very good article here.

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Interesting book by Marlene Chism on Life Reinvention

Many Great Careers readers tell me they’re going through a life re-invention (or wanting to). I just came across a good book by Marlene Chism. I was intrigued by her question: “Do you how to read the signs when going through a Life Re-Invention?”

Marlene shares her personal story of Life Re-Invention in her book. She left her job as a blue collar factory worker (after 20 years!) to pursue her dream of becoming a motivational speaker and author. She often laughs when she tells her story of working in a factory: “The best part of your day is when you look up at the clock and realize it’s time to rotate.”

I like this quote: “Much of the time unhappiness is due to compulsively thinking about success, judging your current level of success, and obsessing over achieving your next big success.”

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Perils and Promises of Change

Recently I was jolted out of my own comfort zone by two changes. They seem small to outsiders but they affected my work rhythm and routine.

First, my senior cat began heading downhill. She had been with me almost 14-1/2 years, and she was listed as 5 when I adopted her. That’s just over 1/4 of my whole life…a huge chunk of my adult life. She was the perfect companion and family member — quiet, mellow, and friendly. She defied all the veterinarians who insisted her life would be cut short by her tendency to gain weight.

And within a few weeks, she was gone. I dreaded getting another cat. Where would I find a declawed cat, in politically correct Seattle, let alone a cat who could mesh with another cat and a playful dog?

In the same week I lost Tiger, my gym announced the closing of the most convenient, high quality gym available to me — about 7 minutes walk from where I live. Now I’d be taking a bus, adding considerable time to my workouts…and I work out 3 to 5 times a week.

Besides, our Queen Anne gym had become community. We “regulars” recognize each other and we know a little about each other’s work and lives — not easy in a city famous for being chilly in both people and climate.

This time, things worked out.

I found a cat who fit my specifications at the nearby Seattle Animal Shelter, and even caught a ride over with my neighbors. I wrote about her in my Midlife Dog blog. I will always honor Tiger’s memory, but she lived a full life and frankly, I wouldn’t mind having my own life end just like hers. And I’ve enjoyed watching Ophelia, who looks like a furry watermelon, become part of the household.

My second change was equally smooth. I checked out the downtown branches of my gym. They offered us an incredible deal to transfer membership and I know most of the instructors. The classes are longer and more challenging. I’ll have a whole new level of fitness by Christmas — certainly by Memorial Day. Best of all, it was fun to reconnect with others who transferred and meet new people.

Not all change leads to positive outcomes. When it does, you get a boost to energy and sometimes a new spark of creativity. This time I got lucky.

I’d like to read your stories of change and luck. Please click on the “comments” link and share.

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