Today’s New York  TImes raises a good question: Should your life coach have a life? Read the full article here.

At first I thought they meant, “Should the life coach have fun, family, etc.?” but they were referring to the increasing number of 20-something coaches. One 27-year-old coach works with several clients in their fifties.

The article talks about working with someone who’s young enough to be your child. How could a young person have something to help someone who is so much older.

On the plus side, a young person probably has a hip website. Female coaches look great in their online photos. The premise of coaching is that the coach doesn’t function as an advisor, but instead as a sounding board and facilitator. The idea is to help you understand more of your own intuition and wisdom.

On the other hand, I’ve found that coaches often cross that line. Just by asking certain questions ,the coach can direct your thinking along specific paths. Even Thomas Leonard, founder of CoachU and the man who brought coaching into the mainstream, told coaches to feel free to share their views. Many coaches go to their own coaches, who encourage them to view themselves as experts.

Quite honestly, I have trouble with the idea of talking to a 20-something about complexities like divorce, home ownership, frustrations with age discrimination and more. I remember being on a teleseminar with a 30-something coach, several years ago. She downplayed the idea of age discrimination as nonsense. “Think of the wisdom of elders,” she said. I pointed out that elders may have wisdom but few  companies are willing to pay for it.

I also think that certain career paths make more sense for someone under 35. A temporary restaurant job might seem like a lark when you’re 25; at 45 or 55, it’s not the same.

When I work with clients I don’t pretend to be a coach. I’m a consultant. Here’s the difference.

Tom is  a successful 50-something business executive who’s thinking of going back to school to become a teacher. He might talk to a life coach if he’s not sure that’s what he really wants. He might want to explore feelings, emotions and family pressures.

On the other hand, Tom may want to learn more about his options. For instance, he wonders how he can pay for a return to school. He just read about a new program that’s offered online; he wants to know if that’s a realistic option. As a former college professor, I know the ins and outs and sometimes can recommend creative ways to choose a program (and sometimes creative ways to pay for it). Often we can address his questions in a single session with a few follow-up emails. If he brings up issues of fear, I’ll share examples of others who faced similar challenge and suggest ways he can deal with it, based on my experience.

Who’s the best choice for Tom? I don’t know. And I don’t know how he’d feel about working with a young life coach. If he wants a consultant, he needs someone who’s knowledgeable. If he’s building software, a teenager can be a consultant. But if he wants to know about a specific set of choices, he needs to draw on someone’s real experience.

How do you feel? Do you care about the age of your coach?

In this illustrated extended blog post, author Alison Green debunks myths that many of us have about the work place. Read it here. Ms.Green points out that we should distrust myths like, “Companies are required to be fair and just,” and, “The HR department will help you.”

A company’s HR department, ethics policies and “family friendly” promises may be genuine. Often they’re efforts to convince you that you’re dealing with a gracious, princely organization. In reality it’s a frog and always will be.

The best way to deal with difficult companies is:

1 – Have something going so you’re in a position to walk away from a tense or hostile workplace.

One reason employers get away with so many injustices – and even outright cruelties – is that employees feel chained to the company. If you have a weekend business – even if you’re walking dogs or mowing lawns – you’ll have a cushion to help when things go badly.

2 – Be aware of non-legal concerns that companies have, such as a desire to be viewed favorably by customers and potential employees.

Many years ago a San Francisco newspaper featured a story about age discrimination at I. Magnins. Apparently the store had decided they needed fresh, young faces on the retail floor. Of course many of their customers were in the demographic that the company allegedly attacked. The day after the story appeared, the floors were empty, as customers chose to shop elsewhere.

3 – Always have a Plan B.

I’ve met too many people who were stranded in a small town, with no other employment alternatives handy. I’ve talked to people who took a lower-level job “just to have a job” and then got so comfortable they were unmarketable 5 or 10 years later, when (a) their employer closed down or (b) technology made them obsolete.

4 – Keep building your skills.

If you’re working for a company, it’s hard to disconnect at the end of the day. Therefore it’s a good idea to take classes where you’re in a structured, live learning environment.

5 – Don’t get too comfortable.

Too often I’ve heard people say, “I just lost my job … and we had just bought a big house.” Or, “Well, this job is good. I don’t have to think about the future.”

A job that’s fun in your 30s and 40s can feel like an albatross in your 50s and 60s.
A job that’s enjoyable because of your boss, office, or location will seem intolerable when any of those things change.
You may wake up one day and realize, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Of course you want to enjoy luxuries and perks. I recommend consulting with a licensed financial planner to discuss your “what if” scenarios and make plans.

To discuss whether you are dealing with a frog (or have somehow missed the princely elements of your own organization), see http://www.MidlifeCareerStrategy.com/services.html

OK, Penelope Trunk thrives on being outrageous. She’s shared a hefty dose of information about her own life (did you know her original name was Adrienne?). She’s written about her own relationship issues, therapy and mental health issues. But mostly she’s been an advocate of an outrageous approach to what used to be called career counseling.

Here’s a BlogTalkRadio podcast of Penelope at her best. It’s just 15 minutes long but she packs a lot of punch into each minute, thanks to an interviewer who just tosses out one question after another.

Penelope hates Tim Ferriss because she doesn’t think he’s got realistic ideas (and she shares why). Ironically, she an Ferriss share a common strategy: they get lots of media attention by being outrageous. After all, most of us couldn’t (or wouldn’t) follow Penelope’s suggestions in her book, Brazen Careerist.

Penelope doesn’t mince words when it comes to the recession. Not working? Just agree to take a pay cut, she suggests. Never mind that (a) many employers are suspicious of employees who downsize and (b) the psychological toll of taking a step backward can be enormous. She does recommend changing fields and starting over, which can be a better way to take a step back.

She also reveals how shes manages to raise two kids and have a career. “I haven’t been to a movie in 3 years,” she says. You have to make sacrifices and trade-offs. Here I think she’s right. I’ve met many business owners who sacrificed not just leisure but even their own health; several gained 20, 50 or even 100 pounds as they built their businesses. The question, “Are you willing to do whatever it takes?” is not an empty one.

Penelope has the luxury of being frivolous; unlike a real career counselor or career coach, she gets to be theoretical. She’s not dealing with a real client sitting in front of her (or talking on the phone) who’s got all kinds of special circumstances, excuses, challenges and side issues. Still, her ideas are entertaining. Click on the link below if you’d like to listen.

Clients often call when they feel they’ve hit bottom. They often say, “I’m ready to quit.” Or, “I think I’m going to be fired.”

(1) Your boss is probably looking for a way NOT to fire you. The company has invested in hiring and training you. If you’re in a big company, your boss’s reputation suffers if she’s known as someone who can’t keep good people. Finally, your department’s budget may allow keeping current employees but not hiring anyone new. If you leave, somebody else has to do your work.

(2) Hang in there unless your physical or mental health gets threatened. (That’s beyond my scope.) Once you leave voluntarily, you may lose claims to file for unemployment and severance. I’m not a lawyer. I cannot give legal advice. But from anecdotal evidence I’ve seen people file unemployment claims and win. Your employer probably doesn’t want to go there.

(3) Work on your style. Are you communicating confidence, verbally and non-verbally? For instance:

When you answer a question, practice beginning with confidence. Starting with the word “Well …” communicates nervousness or uncertainty.

Be brief and be gone. If your boss says, “You should have known not to do X,” don’t get into a discussion. Just say something like, “You are right. And now I would like to ask you a question about doing X .. ”
If you’ve made a genuine mistake, just say, “You’re right. I’ve set up a process to prevent future re-occurrences.” And stop.

“Anne” was called into her boss’s office to discuss her many transgressions. As her boss went on and on, she had to stifle a laugh. She had no idea what he wanted her to do; he just ranted. I suggested she just sit quietly and take notes (or pretend to take notes). If he asks what she’s doing, she can say, “I’m taking notes.” If he asks why, she says, “I want to make sure I get all these points.”
If he gets hysterical and irrational, she knows she’s got a crazy person to deal with. That’s another topic.

But here’s what happened with Anne. Once she had a strategy, she never needed it. Her boss treated her more respectfully, probably sensing that she was confident and strong.

Would you like to work with me to address your challenge at work – and perhaps keep you from quitting? For one-to-one coaching, visit this page. Due to time constraints, I can work only with paying clients.

Are you thinking of getting help with your career change or job search? Here are 3 tips based on mistakes I’ve made or watched others make, both as a career coach/consultant and as a client of career coaches.

Tip #1: Get clear on what you need and what you can expect.

Job search takes time and energy. You can hire the greatest coach in the world, but if you work 80 hours a week you just don’t have time to do anything. You need time to network, make phone calls, get information together, rehearse for interviews and a whole lot more.

Often a career coach can speed up your job search. However, if you are an executive, you need more than few weeks to reach success. Changing to a whole new career will most likely take six months to three years. For instant results, invest in a magic wand, not a career coach.

Tip #2: Choose a coach who understands how the career game is played, not who has a wall full of diplomas.

Clients often are confused by titles: career coach? counselor? consultant?

A counselor often has passed courses in counseling and might be licensed in your state. In many states anyone can call himself or herself a counselor. A trained counselor often focuses on test-taking. A counselor with mental health training can be valuable if you have emotional issues associated with work.

Coaches typically are trained in a form of communication that involves dialogue and questions. In contrast, consultants are more likely to give direct advice. However, anyone can call himself or herself a coach or consultant.

If credentials are important to you, ask the prospective coach, “How will your training help you do a better job as you work with me to find a new career?”

My own irreverent view is that the coach’s credentials are less important than his or her knowledge of the real world. Can she read between the lines of a want ad? Can he help you interpret a bizarre interview response?

Tip #3: Free coaching is worth what you pay for it.

Occasionally a new coach will offer free coaching to build a client base. I did this myself but found it was not helpful to me or the client. Clients who seek free coaching tend to differ significantly from those who understand they have to pay.

Coaching from your family and friends may be helpful in terms of helping you assess your strengths. If your mom says, “You always were organized, even as a child,” file that away for future career choices. However, many successful people will lead you astray because they don’t realize the job market has changed and indeed the world has changed.

Never, ever seek career advice from a prospective employer or recruiter. They are not being paid to help you so they will experience a conflict of interest if they honestly want to do what’s best for you.

To learn more about my services, you can go here.

Free ebook and ecourse: Midlife Career Strategy.

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Clients often find they are challenged to maintain a line between business and personal lives. There are 5 ways you can encounter problems from over-disclosing:

(1) Stereotype – most dangerous

Every psychology class will tell you: people hold stereotypes. It’s not always fair but it’s part of human nature.

For example, if you’re getting a divorce, your colleagues will pull up their stereotypes of divorce, mostly negative:
“She won’t be able to concentrate.”
“He’ll be drinking a lot.”
“She’ll be depressed and miserable to be around.”
“He’ll be financially stressed.”

Do you need this hassle? I think not.

(2) Labeling

One day after a few drinks, you tell your colleagues, “I’ve been in therapy for a year. I’m trying to deal with issues about my relationships.”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Millions of people are in your shoes. But one of my former colleagues learned (the hard way) that even this simple disclosure led to labeling him as “the guy who’s got relationship troubles.” Colleagues started asking him more personal questions and disclosing their own personal details. Worst of all, his personal life was discussed more than his many valuable contributions at work.

(3) Interpretation

Expect anything you say to be distorted and interpreted through your colleagues’ cultural lens. . “My sister was in a convent for awhile” can become “She was a nun for 5 years.” It can even become, “She’s a religious fanatic who doesn’t have a romantic life.”

True story: In one company, a new CEO decided to be open about his personal life. Introducing himself, he said, “My divorce is being finalized next week. I’m set to marry my girlfriend in just three months. We’ve been together in Dallas for over three years and finally will tie the knot. I have two kids in college and one starting his freshman year.”

In the 21st century, this story seems straightforward. Most people would be bored.

But a few of this CEO’s colleagues did not share his moral values. Some held religious views on divorce. Others were married or divorced with children of their own. One said, “I cannot believe he is living with another woman before the divorce. I will never be able to respect him, no matter how much he does for this company.”

I talked about his at http://www.BlogTalkRadio.com/MidlifeCareerGame
where you can listen to the replay.

Career consulting is available (limited) at http://www.midlifecareerstrategy.com/coaching.html

(4) Red flag for future assignments

Your boss has ten people who all want the next promotion or plum assignment. She’s looking for good, solid reasons to make a decision. If you’ve just shared your personal life – your divorce, financial problems, or bad medical news – she’s got an easy out. And you handed it to her.

(5) Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is a healthy part of being in a personal relationship. It’s not a healthy part of a business relationship. Even if you feel scared and insecure, you want to be strong.

Remember the first Career Change book: What color is your parachute? Th ey advised everyone to call around and set up “interviews for information.” The idea was, “People don’t feel threatened. You’re not putting them on the spot. They want to talk to you.”

Alas, today’s executives are too busy.  But if you’re going to get information, make sure you get information that’s based on your informant’s recent personal experience.

Other tips:

Don’t ask self-employed professionals for information. That’s what they sell.

Don’t ask friends for advice. They might have information.

Advice means some suggests you do something. Get advice only from paid professionals. Get info from people who have been there.

Learn more when you listen to my radio program from this morning.

The comment on the previous post was thoughtful and insightful. I got some more ideas after reading this comment.

First, the purpose of a free call is not to help you. Most coaches and consultants use the free call to see if you’re a good fit for each other. If a coach says, “I don’t think I can help you; I wouldn’t know where to start,” he is being honest.  Ideally, he would figure out that he can’t help you during a get-acquainted call, but sometimes they just need more time.  Ideally, he would recommend a resource but (a) some coaches don’t know appropriate resources and (b) would you really want a clueelss coach to make a referral?

Second, it’s, appropriate for a coach to say, “I don’t agree with what you are asking me to do. You want a new career; I think you need to focus on your current career.” By way of analogy, suppose you want plastic surgery. Your plastic surgeon could say, “I will not do this; I do not feel the benefit outweighs the risk.” Or she might even say, “I think you want this surgery for the wrong reason and I won’t do it.”

Third, nobody forces you to work with a coach. But if your company pays for outplacement, or if you’re working with a state employment service,  someone else is writing the check. You play by their rules. After all, when an insurance company pays for a service, they can (and often do) decide who you are allowed to see.

Often outplacement services are paid a fixed fee so they are motivated to move everyone out as fast as possible. They play the odds. Sure, some people will get a job faster by switching fields, especially today. But until recently you’d get a job faster by staying in your own field. And often outplacement agencies do not attract top coaches.

In my experience, coaches tend to err on the side of optimism. They say, “Sure you can find a new career! It’s easy.” So if you are paying a coach, they’re actually cutting themselves off if they discourage you. After all, can a coach really help you if she’s convinced you don’t need a career change? Better to say so upfront.

Delighted to see some controversy! Let’s have more.

Recently I came across a site promising to offer free resources to job seekers. The idea is that you can submit your story and someone will log on to be your free mentor. Mentors can be “free” or “fee.”

Okay, think about this. Who’s going to offer free services? When you log on to sites like justanswers.com, you pay a small amount, usually $15 or less. I offer a low-cost email service too.

The people seeking mentors  give their full names. I hope they’re pseudonyms, because it’s not a good idea to share your career challenges in public, even on a site like this.

“Victoria,” seeking a mentor, wrote:

“I was laid off from my job as a planner. Now I’m working in banking. Not sure if I like this job, but how do I know when to quit? I also seem to have communication and work-life balance issues.”

I disguised the details, but Victoria  really did have all those challenges. She needs several *months* of high quality career coaching (and maybe some life coaching or therapy, depending on what’s really going on).

If you absolutely can’t afford private coaching, look for legitimate free services. Some states have free consultants available in unemployment offices. The Small Business Administration offers help if you’re thinking of going out on your own. Consider a course at a junior college or continuing education program. The quality will vary a great deal, but then again, so does private consulting.

I don’t happen to think that “anything is better than nothing.”  However, if you find someone who’s supportive, just being able to talk out your feelings and express your concerns may help.

An examiner.com columnist wrote an in-your-face column about job-seekers who won’t take action. In this case, he encouraged them to make calls to coaches to get “free” advice. He couldn’t understand why coaches weren’t being inundated with free calls.

Wow…did he get an earful! Most of the comments were scathing.

Read the article and comments here and (in case you can’t see it) below is my response. Please click on “comments” to add your input to this blog (and “share this” if you would like others to see it).

As a career consultant, I would discourage anyone from calling a coach for “free advice and tips” unless you are seriously interested in following up with paid coaching. Here’s why:

(1) Most coaches use their “free” calls as sales calls. Marketing coaches teach techniques for turning the free call into a way to convert queries to clients. You won’t get a lot of great advice in a short call.

[That's why I stopped offering free calls awhile back. Instead, prospective clients can listen to hour-long mp3 calls where they find out what I'm really like.]

(2) Coaches are busy. Even though they say, “No obligation,” I don’t think it’s ethical to take an hour of someone’s time if you have no intention of buying. Anyway, many of the most successful coaches are too busy to take calls.

(3) Free calls typically don’t help you make a wise decision about hiring a coach. I like to say, “The whole dynamic shifts when money changes hands.”

(4) You can get lots of free info when you visit sites by career coaches: articles, mp3 recordings, even live teleseminars. That’s a legitimate way to get free help.

(5) Not everyone is coach-able. Not every situation benefits from coaching. And no coach is right for everyone.

Please click on the “Comments” button to add your opinion.