Work-Life Balance? Not always possible.

David Brooks’s New York Times column drew attention to Supreme Court Justice nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Brooks writes about Sotomayor’s sacrifice of personal life to her career. During her marriage, Sotomayor admits, she sometimes left home at 7 AM and didn’t return till 10 PM. Not a good way to create a home life, she says.

Comments on this article are actually more interesting than the article itself. Some readers pointed out that Brooks would not have written this column about a male judge. For one thing, the male judge who kept those long hours would probably have a wife who maintained his home and arranged a social life for his few available hours. For another, men, well, just don’t talk about these things.

Other readers noted that you no longer need to have a traditional style family to feel complete and satisfied. It’s okay to be single.

My own take is that some jobs just don’t allow for balance and some people don’t really want balance. And in the early 21st century, it’s still easier to be career-intensive if you’re male.

In an interview for her book, Generally Speaking, Retired General Claudia Kennedy acknowledged that her life did not have balance for a long time. She divorced her husband and had not remarried by the time she left the military. She noted that she chose to be extremely discreet about her relationships and personal life.

I’ve also known distinguished college professors who put their personal lives on hold for long periods of time because they wanted to gain the benefits (material as well as intellectual) of a career at the top tier of their profession. They were all male and married to stay-at-home moms. I’ve also known a male Internet marketing multi-millionaire who said, “Balance? What’s that?” I believe he eventually found a girlfriend who was willing to work around his life (and maybe he mellowed a little, using some of his money to pay others to free up his time). Read the rest of this entry »

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When the Death of a Parent Changes Your Life

Usually I don’t recommend books about life and family because I don’t consider myself an expert. But family issues come up for almost all my clients. They put off career change and even take a leave from their own businesses. And they’re frozen with grief.

But I ran across a book, Death Benefits by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. I can relate to it (although my parents died quite a while ago). I have watched my friends and clients go through loss. Nearly all seem to have a mixture of relief and guilt at feeling this relief.

The subtitle is, How Losing a Parent Can Change An Adult’s Life – For the Better. So it’s a little awkward to recommend this book to friends. “Here’s a book that…um…helps you realize how much you’re freed up when your parents die.” But the book is so good it’s worth the social risk.

Safer writes well and she keeps the book focused, with a clear theme. She doesn’t sugarcoat the message or urge people to look for kindness and goodness inept parents. Her exercises are few and simple. They’re more like coaching than what I think of as therapy, but I suspect they’re very powerful.

It’s hard to pick out the highlights because (rare for me!) I really liked every chapter. I would call a reader’s attention to the chapter on “the last taboo,” noting that many people are embarrassed to admit their feelings about the loss. The chapter on religion is particularly sensitive to two diverse responses — turning away from a parent’s religion or returning to a faith that was once abandoned.

In the section on disposing of “stuff,” I could note that you don’t have to do this yourself. You can hire people who will go through furniture and clothing, sorting out what can be sold, what is valuable ad what should be given away. Look under “estate sales” or advertise for help on craigslist.

Safer is a psychologist, so she doesn’t explore the broader implications of our new understanding of parent-child relationships. Our society is still set up to demand contributions — financial and psychological — from children, even when parents have been indifferent, incompetent, or even abusive. Company policies and legal systems support and even demand parent-child relationships. We need to recognize that families are not what they used to be, and probably they never were.

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Can You Keep Friends In Your Career Game?

As an ardent fan of WNBA basketball, I already reserved seats for the playoffs. Our team, the Seattle Storm, faces off against the Phoenix Mercury on Friday.

Seattle’s popular point guard, Sue Bird, is good friends with Phoenix’s phenom, Diana Taurasi. Off the court, they were college teammates, roommates, and very close friends. Now they face each other in a heated competition.

Players of team sports, especially at elite levels, get used to mixing friendship with competition. Speaking in interviews, they admit they have trouble guarding an old friend…but they also anticipate her moves and do a better job.

I don’t think we have any pro sports players on this list. But in a business context, you often find yourself playing with friends.

Or you’re looking for a resource — tax preparer, web designer, consultant — and you’re tempted to hire a friend … or a friend’s friend. But you want to win the career game. So…

(1) Set up written criteria for choosing employees, resources and partners.

You’ll need this list when you’re facing a new challenge, such as moving to a new city or starting a business. Everybody has a friend who’s a real estate agent, accountant, lawn service and even moving company. They’re great people but not necessarily a good fit professionally.

(2) Maintain your game face.

When you’re with a company, a client or a networking group, you’re “on.” Anything you say may come back to haunt you. (Family business? Started a business with an old friend? That’s another article!) Find a confidante who has no ties to your source of income. Sure, you may run up your phone bill or pay for a professional listener. But you’ll protect your most important economic investment: your professional self.

(3) When a friend seems like the best choice, plan for the worst case scenario.

He didn’t do a good job. Maybe she was just the wrong person for the role. How will you break up the relationship? Can you handle the emotional side as well as the financial and professional?”

Some people have a firm policy: “No mixing business and personal life.” Others think of the workplace as a second family. Still others find they create deep bonds with a colleague who shared a personal experience, such as illness or caring for aging parents.

There are no right answers.

A few years ago, Lisa Lesie of the Los Angeles Sparks and Dawn Staley, then of the Charlotte Hornets, faced each other in the finals for the national championship. They were close friends who phoned every week. But, “No friends in a championship,” Staley told a reporter bluntly. “No phone call this week.”

As I recall, Los Angeles won the championship.

Now Lisa has taken a season off to enjoy her new husband and baby, while Dawn has become head coach at Temple University in Philadelphia.

And every so often we have to stop and remember: Which team are we on? And are we playing to win?

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Career Advice from Family? A no-brainer!

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